Shame... Guilt...

this messes anyone more than anything.
It starts to hurt after a while too.
You cannot concentrate, think, eat, sleep, anything...

I was reading on that, thought I mention it.
I'll speak more about it later. Don't feel like
writing too much.

Spent the weekend over at some cabins in Utuado.
Drank a lot, had a generally good time.
Need to go home this weekend.
I feel like I need my family.
Right now they are my only outlet.
I don't even trust myself anymore, maybe they can help.
Maybe they can make me realize that I truly suck, that I'm truly
a bad person ... maybe I can change that ... hopefully I will change
that! That's a fucking promise!!!!!!

Just one wrong move...

just one wrong comment, just one breath (unconscious) can knock everything down.
So much can be said with just one look, just a stare, just a lead...
Will it be taken lightly?
Will it be taken seriously?
Why do I give a shit? .. Just because I care I guess...

The end of summer is upon us.
Don't know why the fuck summer is usually associated with happy and joyful times ... for me none of these describe my summer ... at least not completely. Now that fall is coming starting September I'm looking forward for more somber, bleak, depressing, obsidian, cheerless, grim, joyless, lonely days.
(Sarcasm at full operating mode!!)

Let's see... will probably not write in a while.
I'll have my happy mask on for the rest of the month.
Maybe it will help a little.

One of my favorite songs:


Standing on the Edge of Summer

In this room
I'm sitting by your side
Cause it rains for hours
and the phone is off its hook
Standing on the edge, casting lots to set me up
before you knock me down,

summer's edge and drown me
Betting on our own lives,
making up for all time we lost
In this house of cards we're all holding hearts and spades (one breath, one step could knock it all down)
but you lead with your eyes and you give it away
(decide, design to cut from the clouds)
And the people you love get lost in the shuffle,
(When you leave, you leave nothing but broken hearts)
you let it go and then you fold

So we stay on the open road
We drive for hours and still no end in sight at all
Driving in your car, miss the stop sign, fall in love,
just to get knocked out

summer's edge and drown me
Betting on our own lives,
making up for all time we lost
In this house of cards we're all holding hearts and spades (one breath, one step could knock it all down)
but you lead with your eyes and you give it away
(decide, design to cut from the clouds)
And the people you love get lost in the shuffle,
(When you leave, you leave nothing but broken hearts)

Pull your punches and burn with your cigarettes
Pulled like a punch and burnt like a cigarette...forever

Weirded out...

I have noticed in these past two weeks a trend that is fucking scaring the
hell out of me. Lately a bunch of thoughts are popping up in my brain even when I'm not thinking (or don't want to think) about those things.
What the fuck?!?!
Is like... let's say I'm in the kitchen fixing breakfast then all of a sudden
I start thinking stuff that brings me down, I start to cry like a bitch but
the thing is that I'm not really aware of it... it's weird ... it's like I'm crying,
I'm "thinking" about things but I'm actually not FEELING any pain, any sorrow, any anything... I just cry... WTF?!?!? I mean ... I don't know what it means.
I think I need to do something, express or channel my feelings to someone...
Do I need to scream?
Do I need to fight?
What the fuck do I need?
It's weirding me out.

But ... I've been weird all my life...
Even since I was just a child.
Heck, I remember the first time I felt weird (and made someone else feel weird in the process!). I was in seventh grade I believe (or sixth) and a good friend came to me early in the morning (at school) celebrating! He said: "Guess what, guess what!?"
And I was like: "Well... you had a game yesterday and your team won 27 to 26 because you made the final basket..." ... ... he was like... WTF?!?!? Yeah... I came up with things like that out of nowhere (of course this is just a stupid example as I would not like to go into details about more serious stuff).
So weird stuff is not new to me but still I feel different every time....

Maybe it's a sign?!?
Will something happen to me that will shatter my conceptions about myself, the world, my friends?!?
Will something happen to someone I love and will it fuck up my life as a result?
I don't know why I'm feeling these things.
Maybe I'll know one of these days.
Hopefully it will come sooner rather than later because it's killing me...

My back hurts!!! :-(

NOT MY ASSHOLE!! (perverts!)
But my lower back got fu**ed while playing basketball this past Tuesday!
Wednesday I couldn't even sleep.
Yesterday I got better.
Today ... feels the same as yesterday... maybe a bit better.
I had a Kung Fu seminar this Sunday and I will probably not attend
because of this! DAMN!

I'm definitely dying!
Something is wrong.
Evil is on my side!!!
THat motherfuck...

Still ... I'll probably go-ahead with the plan of Drinking + eating +
playing videogames at home. Period!

"Monga"....

And NO, I'm not talking about my member here!
Damn "monga".
I've been sick for like 2 weeks now and medicine seems
to be ineffective... maybe I'm dying!
I mean, my heart is kind of dead anyway, my head is all
messed up thinking stupid stuff I shouldn't be thinking so
it's probably on it's way of shutting down in a few days and
maybe my body is responding the same way!
Oh sweet suffering!! lol

Sweet Suffering... that's something that Pinhead from the Hellraiser
movies would say ... which reminds me, I have to pick up Final Destination 3 somewhere. It's not the best movie out there but at least it entertains a little.
I read that the special features are quite good.

Also, I'm feeling like a kid again.
I just "purchased" a PS2 with a couple of games and it has
been a really good escape for me. When I'm playing I'm not thinking
about anything that's going on in my life (sadly, NOTHING is going on in my life)and I just play ... hypnotized like a freaking Zombie.
I would love to do that everyday... so I'm going to start playing LOTTO!!!!
Yeah right... back to reality.

Got a couple of beers at home that needs to be finished.
Got tequila too! A whole new bottle!!! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!
Videogames + pizza + beer + tequila shots == really good non suicidal weekend!!!

I'm IN!!!


P.S. I know that last time I promised to post up the new song but I haven't!
I'll upload it when I'm ready for everyone to hear it!

Thanks.